Fear won out. I'm not going to Charlotte this weekend.

I've had constant anxiety attack symptoms for over 12 hours now. I finally managed to get to sleep around 1:30 last night and I woke up at about 5 this morning in the middle of a full blown attack.

This is not good. I spent the morning desperately trying to find comfort...a friendly voice...a safe haven.

I am going to head to the doctor's so she can give me a prescription of doxepin. That's what helped the last time.

My frustration level is at warp seven. For all of the spouting off and ranting I have done atop this lonely soapbox, look where I'm at. I'm right back where I was five years ago. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop thinking negative thoughts. All the skills I've learned in the past five years seem to have flown out the window.

And now for the good news. I am safe. I will get through this. This is not the end of the world. I've dealt with this before and I've beat it. I can do it again. I have friends and family who love me and want to see me better. Understanding is a big thing for me right now. I'll do my best if you do yours.

The next three days or so are going to be rough. The beginning stages of taking medication usually are. I've had great luck with doxepin before so I'm hoping that luck will hold out. If not, I'm in for a wild ride. I know this is going to get a bit worse before it gets better.

I can take it.

I am enjoying my hiatus. I'm not laying around in a robe and doing absolutely nothing, but it's close.

I'm not really going to do a personal update. I just wanted to do a quick copy and paste of something that's been going 'round the net. I find it very amusing.

Why Homosexuals Should Not Be Allowed To Get Married

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; just like women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name, are better because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Heh..yeah.

Today would have been my mother's 59th birthday. Happy birthday mom.

It's time for some serious life changes. Let me rephrase that...it is way passed time.

I've started having my panic attacks again. Everywhere I go they go. I have them at school. I have them at work. I have them while driving.

I guess, in a way, I'm more prepared for them than I have ever been in my life. The ironic thing is that if I was really prepared for them I would not be having them. I am doing my best to not let them disable me. I still go and do things by myself. I will not let them win.

They started again because I have not allowed myself to feel. I have been going non-stop since before my mom's death and, after, I made the mistake of thinking that I would be able to come home and play catch up without so much as a breath. I should have known better. Then again, shouldn't we all? Heh. I am not down on myself. I am disappointed and a bit scared, as is the nature of the beast. But, as I've said, I've been here before and it was much, much worse. Maybe that's because now I know what to expect and I have the skills to deal with whatever is thrown at me. There's the operative phrase...deal with. I have not really been dealing. Since I've been back it has been more of an out of body experience. I have just been going on auto-pilot. That has got to stop.

This week is spring break. I have made myself a promise that I will not do anything that is not absolutely necessary. And I mean absolutely. Eat, sleep, pee...that's it. Hell, I may not even bathe...heh.

No worries Tom, I'll bathe.

Next weekend is the PTK convention. I have not fully committed to going yet. I need to make sure that I take time to heal. I am hoping not to have to go on medication, although I am not opposed to it if my attacks become debilitating. For now, I'm taking Kava Kava and Bach Rescue Remedy. And hey, if the actual homeopathy doesn't work, I'm sure the pure grain alcohol base that they are in will do the job famously! That shit is potent. So far, whether it's psychosomatic or not, both are helping. Hopefully, they will work well enough to get me to the convention.

I want to write (read as bitch) about my car but I'm tired of writing (read as bitching) about such things. Granted, this is a blog that is geared around letting out my stress and drama, but I do not feel like being negative right now. There's been enough of that to go around without me having to add to it.

For the next four days, I will be doing my best to do nothing but relax. I'm excited at the prospects of what the week will bring.

Ciao.