03/25/03 - tuesday

SITE: atom films
SOUNDS: patty griffin - "living with ghosts"
NEW: songs
READING: rainer maria rilke - "selected poetry"

(5:42 p.m.)
It's been a good day.

I went to Best Buy and had them put a new cd player in my car. My old (well less then a year) player's face was not functioning very well. So I just upgraded to a better player. So far I like it.

It is an absolutmous beautimous day outside. I tried to stay out in it as much as possible. Well as long as my nose remained cooperative. I'm coming down from the climax of my illness. The good news is that my tummy troubles are gone. I stopped taking my pills for that a couple of days ago and so far so good. I'm sure I have an ulcer so I'll just watch my stress level. Trust me, I'm already working on that!

Blahblahblah...so much to say...no will to say it. I just want to go and lay in a hammock outside. I'm getting one this year. We have such a big back yard but there is not a tree on our property. I don't know where they went but I'm going to have to get one of those metal framed hammocks. That or get someone to stick a couple of big posts in the ground for me. Manual labor is not my forte. Ah who'm I kidding? I love doing shit like that. As I said before there are big plans for this summer. I'm wet just thinking about it. Besides all of the planning for this summer I do want to get a part time job. I think it would be good to work a bit. I don't think that I'll be able to live through the summer if I didn't have something scheduled to do each week. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I need to have things organized and scheduled. Not everything but enough to keep me from thinking too much and causing too much trouble...heh.

Driving the new car around I've really grown to dislike my car. Poor Penelope (that's my car) is not long for this world. Actually there is nothing wrong with her but she's just not as nice as the new auto. I'm jealous. If I get a part time job I guess I can get a new (used) car. Maybe that'll be a goal. We'll see what happens.

Well, I'm going outside to romp a bit with Piper. I'm going to try and get her used to being out there without being tied up. She listens pretty well to me but not to Anth so I figure the more she's outside the easier it will be for her to "listen" to us. Sounds like a plan.

Ciao.
03/24/03 - monday

SITE:
SOUNDS: tori amos - "strange little girls"
NEW: songs
READING: rainer maria rilke - "selected poetry"

(11:10 p.m.)
Where do I go from here?

Find center...love self because self is love...peace within creates peace throughout.

(1:54 p.m.)
I'm officially on spring break.

And my nose is officially still full of green mucusy snot. Mmmmm. I go in and out of feeling like ass. As long as I don't smell like it I'm rosey.

I have all of the windows open and I'm listening to spring (well what I can hear over Tori). There are plans in motion with the neighbors for gardens and canopies and bbq pits. There are also plans for camping and swimming and tubing down mountain rivers. Bring it!

Even better is the fact that I'm taking a break from school this summer. I need a break. Granted I'll probably drive myself crazy after a couple of weeks but that's the price I'll have to pay. I need a break. I'm mentally exhausted. It's difficult going to school and being responsible for everything else at home and in my relationship too. Anth may bring home the money but other than that it's all up to me. It's never ending. I truly know what it feels like to have a child. But, I'm in it for the long haul so I guess I'm just going to have to have my "summer breaks" every now and again so I don't go completely postal. I don't even have the strength to get angry any more. Does that mean I'm settling? Am I becoming comfortably numb? I've had bouts of intense crying over the last couple of weeks. I think I've been keeping a lot more inside of me than I'm letting on. You know things are getting bottled up when you start crying while listening to Christina Aquanympho's Beautiful. Blah. Between school, Anth, and my mother, I get no peace. I need to start meditating again...or yoga...or exercising...or something. My mind is teetering on the edge. Actually, I guess I should say my thoughts are. One of these days I'll be strong enough. One of these days it will end. That day is soon upon us.

Until that day I'll have to put up with the shite. You reap what you sow and I'm surrounded by weeds. Choking and strangling and stunting my growth. Holding me back. Holding me down. Denying me happiness. I waste so much time watching out for strangers...waiting for them to try to hurt me. Ironic how all of this time the people that end up hurting me the most are the ones I know. The ones that are supposed to be on my side. The ones that supposedly love me. Blah! I don't know why I feel weird writing this. I've never had anything to hide so why start now? It needs to come out.

The cycle is coming to a close for the last time. The spinning is about to stop. The ride is over and it's time for me to get off. I guess the good news is that I have more tickets left. More than likely I'll save them for the next time instead of going on more rides. I'm sick of riding.

I'm sick of talking about it.